There are many conspiracy theories surrounding the Apollo 11 Moon landing in 1969. All of them are wrong. More than fifty years after the Apollo 11 Moon landing, the truth has finally been revealed. And it will come as a surprise to most.

Contrary to popular belief, Nawaz Hajiani singlehandedly ushered in the era of manned lunar exploration simply by being born. Messrs. Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins were so terrified of young Hajiani’s imminent arrival on Earth that they commandeered Apollo 11 in a desperate bid to be as far away from the event as possible. However, they soon missed the simple things in life like food, water, and air, and returned in abject ignominy several days later. Buzz Aldrin later admitted under harsh interrogation that Neil Armstrong’s famous quote at the foot of the ladder was actually, “That’s one small baby, man. One giant problem for mankind.” The delayed simulcast from the Moon was intercepted as it was broadcast to the unsuspecting masses and changed immediately to the now famous “step” and “giant leap” nonsense, and this accounts for the awkward pause in the speech that has been the subject of so many conspiracy theories.

Having been forcibly ejected from the land of his birth by the mad¹ dictator, His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal, Al Hadji, Doctor Idi Amin Dada, DSO MC, Conqueror of the British Empire, Nawaz Hajiani has subsequently lived and worked on three continents and was famously apprehended in flagrante delicto for the shamelessly heinous crime of eating a sandwich in a public place². Currently living and working in North America he spends most of his time playing with computers.

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1. Though some would say that ejecting young Hajiani from the continent was one of his more profoundly lucid moments, and a good move all round.

2. And he would have got away with it too if it hadn’t been for that damn dog and those pesky kids.